Whenever I coach people to resolve their conflicts, I invariably tell them that there’s one thing they must do if they ever hope to arrive at a solution. Do this, I tell them and you will increase the likelihood that the conflict will be resolved. Fail to do this and there is no hope of ever resolving the conflict.
What is this powerful advice? Simply this: Let go of the need to be right. I point out to them that I said, “Let go of the need to be right.” I did not say, “Give up your need.” That is a critical distinction. Conflicts will never be resolved unless everyone involved believes his/her needs have been met by the solution.
Invariably, at this point, the person I’m coaching says something like, “That’s all well and good Cathy. But aren’t there situations where it’s just inappropriate to let go of the need to be right? Shouldn’t I just tell people their behavior is unacceptable and demand that they change…or else? Aren’t there situations where I just have to be right?”
My answer always is, “Yes, there are such situations. And what makes them difficult for you to deal with is that you treat these situations as though they were open to techniques of conflict resolution when, in fact, they are not. You keep seeking commitment when, in fact, all you really want is compliance. These situations are called “take it or leave it.”
I conclude by saying, “In these situations, stop trying to work it out. It won’t be worked out. It will never be worked out. You have two choices: Either exert whatever power you have or give up trying.”
There are situations where it doesn’t matter what the other person’s needs are because no choice is possible. Either the other person complies with your request or she suffers the consequences.
Likewise, there are situations where it doesn’t matter what your needs are because no choice is possible. Either you comply with other’s requests or you suffer the consequences. No conflict resolution is needed or called for.
For example, do you have a position at work where the front desk person has to start at 8 AM to greet the public? If you have an employee who is consistently late everyday, that employee needs to be told that he needs to be on time in order to keep his job.
Is your child old enough to quit school? If not, then she must be in school every day. It’s the law (take it or leave it). Why are you arguing with your child about going to school? You may want to talk about why she doesn’t like school, but going to school doesn’t require her commitment, only her compliance.
Is your “unreasonable” boss open to having a conversation about why you think he’s unreasonable? If not, stop arguing with your boss. Your commitment isn’t required, only your compliance. Either you will do what your boss demands or you may choose not to work there (take it or leave it). You might, of course, go to Human Resources or even your boss’s boss to get your needs met. However, stop expecting to get your needs met from your boss.
Does your spouse adamantly refuse to pick up his socks from the floor and put them in the clothes hamper? You have only to answer one question: Do you intend to stay married? If you do, stop expecting that he will pick up his socks. He won’t (take it or leave it). You must find another way to get your needs met (pick them up yourself, hire someone to do it, leave them there and refuse to wash them, etc.). Consider the possibility that if you continue to argue with your spouse about picking up his socks and you know he won’t do it, then you must love arguing. Is it really worth it?
You must remember, however, that “being right” in these situations doesn’t mean being righteous. You don’t have to be angry, you don’t have to be sarcastic and you certainly don’t have to be argumentative. All you have to do is present the facts.
In take it or leave it situations, there are, of course, only two choices: take it or leave it. In these circumstances, the person who has the power will win. “Power” may be determined by position in an organization, by the existence of a policy, procedure law or rule or, in a relationship, by who can scream the loudest or pout the longest.
There are, however, consequences to the use of power. At work, the consequence may be that the person will stay in her job and subtly undermine every decision. In a family, a teenager who feels backed into a corner can make life miserable (as can a spouse). So I recommend that power be used sparingly.
Of course, it’s possible to see yourself as “right” even in the absence of clearly defined rules, laws or procedures. It’s important to continually challenge yourself about whether your use of power is appropriate or simply your frustrated reaction to your inability to resolve the conflict. If it’s the latter, consider that your inability to resolve the conflict may be because you won’t give up the need to be right about some aspect of the conflict.
Try it on for a bit. Think about a current conflict or disagreement. Does it really pay off for you to be right? If not, just let go of the need to be right and work out the issue.
