Authentic and loving communication is very difficult to achieve when you have a drunk spouse. It can be confusing, frustrating and upsetting. Many alcoholics or heavy drinkers become angry or act like a victim which can lead to conflict in a relationship.

Obviously, there can be little or no communication if the alcoholic/addict is so caught up in their addiction that they can barely talk straight. But let’s look at some common banter your loved one might try to engage you in a senseless round of dialogue. As the family member/friend, after a while we are exhausted and weary from answering the same questions/concerns over and over again with nothing being resolved.

Do any of these statements sound familiar to you?

• ” I’m just a bad person.”

• “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”

• “You don’t love me anymore”

• “I can’t do anything right.”

• I’m always letting you down.”

• You have no respect for me.”

• “You’ve always liked my brother (or sister) better than me.”

• “You just want me to leave you.”

• “I guess this is what you have always wanted, right?”

• “I don’t know why you never trust me.”

The family member/friend is usually trapped into defending and justifying with the following responses to any of the above:

• “That’s not true.”

• That’s not what my intention was.”

• “OK, what would you like me to do to show you that you’re wrong?”

• “No, I never said I wanted that” or “No, let me explain.”

• “Of course not.”

• “Why would you think or say that?”

Remember that the alcoholic/addict isn’t really looking for the answer and even if you give them a loving, thoughtful response, it will most likely only appease them for a short time.

You have probably become weary going over this same dialogue for months or years and getting no where. You might want to try responding differently. Be careful not to respond with a question as it can be loaded with potential conflict. In addition, it allows the alcoholic/addict to control the response and gives them a sense of power, for you are held captive in waiting for their reply.

The following responses are neutral, loving and kind without giving way to anger, confrontation or frustration… at least on your part. However, be prepared that your loved one might not like that you are not engaging with nice answers because you are disengaging from their emotional tether. Many of these responses can be interchangeable as a perfect comeback to your loved ones comments.

• This must be difficult for you.”

• “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

• “You must have misheard me.”

• ” That won’t work for me.”

• “I’m sorry you’re sad (or unhappy, or lonely or frustrated).”

• “It is not healthy for me to participate in this with you.”

• “I have answered this before and don’t believe my answer would be any different now.”

• Or just walk away calmly, without any discussion, anger or invoking of your own punishing intentions.

Like learning a new language, communicating with the alcoholic/addict can be frustrating and surely exhausting especially when your loved one may still be in denial about their disease or is picking and choosing their recovery path.

There really is no magic set of words or answer that will be the alcoholic/addict’s eye opener to a clean and sober lifestyle. The more you can disengage and stay neutral with your conversations and emotions, the more your loved one will have to rely on him or herself for their own emotional comfort… or discomfort. Hopefully, one day when they are ready, they will choose to get help.